


Michael's Hair

by forthepatch420



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Blame the Discord, Crack, Crack Relationships, Other, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 11:56:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11485899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forthepatch420/pseuds/forthepatch420
Summary: Michael's Hair is a sentient being and everyone loves it





	1. More Than Survive

    Jeremy wished his computer wasn't so shitty. Just once, he wanted it to load so he could watch porn before school. But, of course, he wasn't gonna be granted that luxury. So, he put on pants, not bothering to change his shirt, and headed to school.

    As soon as he entered the door, he regretted not taking sick and staying home. Already, nerds were getting beat up, the popular kids had established their spot in the hallway, and the Gossip Girls were at it again, spreading rumors and talking about things that are definitely not their business.

    "So Jenna Rolan said Madeline told Jake, 'I'll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool.' Then, she lost at pool. _Deliberately._ " he overheard Chloe saying.

     "That is _so_ awesome!" cried Brook.

     "Brooke!"

      "I mean, slutty." _God_ , what is _with_ these girls and slut-shaming?

      "Then," said Jenna "Madeline was _all_ like-"      

      "I'M TELLING THE STORY JENNA!" Chloe snarled at her. Spotting Jeremy staring, she added, "Oh my god, he was like totally getting off on that!

     Backing away from that, he accidentally ran into Rich Goranski.

    "Yo, don't touch me tall ass!" He shouted.

     "S-sorry, I was just trying to-"

     Rich grabbed his backpack and took out a sharpie. When he gave it back to Jeremy, he saw that Rich had written "Boyf" on it. 

     "You wash that off and you're dead!" Suddenly, his attention snapped to someone else. "Yo, Jakey D! What's the story with Madeline?"

     "I shouldn't say," said Jake, capturing Jeremy's attention briefly, "but it's a good thing I rock at pool."

     Jeremy tried desperately to navigate the dangerous hallway. Deciding it would be best to avoid eye contact with anyone, he focused on a random poster he saw. As he got closer to it, he realized it was a sign up sheet for the school play! For a brief moment, he considered writing his name down, but doing so would probably only get him called gay. He opted against it. Instead, he took a left to get to his locker and ran right into Christine Canigula. The most amazing girl in school. He almost forgot how to breathe for a minute.

    "Excuse me," she said, snapping Jeremy out of his trance, "But I think someone wrote 'boyf' on your backpack."

    Jeremy attempted to respond, but it came out as mere sputtering.

    "Did you say something?" asked Christine.

    "I--uh...gah!" Jeremy ran away.

    God, that was awful. But Jeremy couldn't spend time on it. He had more important things to worry about. Like getting to class.

   He could barely pay attention to what the teachers were saying. He was worrying about Christine. Instead of listening, he wrote her a letter telling her how he felt. Then he decided that was lame, so he tore it up and flushed it between periods.  
Jeremy looked at Rich and Jake. He wished he could be cool like them. Everyone liking him, the hair--GIRL...the GIRL of his dreams on his arm. It would be amazing. He didn't want to be a superhero or anything, he just wanted not to feel so alone all the time.  
During Lunch he ran into his best friend, Michael.

   "Michael!" He called out, hoping he would hear Jeremy over his music.

    "Jeremy, my buddy, what's up? Lunch has been bangin'. I had my sushi, got my slushie, everything's good. The girl at sev-elev gave me a pretty generous pour today, so I'm feeling pretty cocky, you know?"

    Michael seemed almost TOO chill. He only acted like this under one circumstance.

    "You're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you?"

    "You fucking bet, and the groove is hella gnarly! Hang on, this song is almost over." Michael took a sec to listen to the end of the song before taking off his headphones and turning to Jeremy. "Woah, dude, you look like ass. What's wrong?"

    Jeremy turned his backpack around so Michael could see it.

    "Boyf? What does that even mean?"

    Michael took off his backpack and showed it to Jeremy. It said "riends" on it. Together, the bags spelt boyfriends.

    "I hate high school. Hey, I wrote Christine a letter telling her how I feel!"

     "That's progress!"

    "I tore it up and flushed it." Michael groaned. "That's still progress!"

    "It's all good. Hey, I--"

    "Mr. Mell!" Michael and Jeremy turned around to see Mr. Reyes, the drama teacher, approaching them. "Hoods are not to be worn inside the school building!"

    "But, sir, my hair--"

    "I don't care if you're having a bad hair day! Hood down!"

    Michael sighed and took off his hood. As if in slow motion, his hair was revealed. His beautiful, beautiful hair. Jeremy was in love with that hair, he was sure of it. He remembered a year ago. He was talking to Michael about something, he couldn't even remember what, when Michael's Hair suddenly interrupted and asked him out. Jeremy was so overwhelmed that his pants dropped right then and there. He lost his virginity to Michael's Hair that day. Michael was screaming through parts of it, but Jeremy told him to shut up so he could enjoy it. Ever since then, he had been in love with Michael's hair. He used Christine to hide it, but he knew the truth.

    "Jeremy, are you listening?"    

    Jeremy snapped out of the memory of being fucked gently by Michael's Hair to listen. "I'm sorry, what?"

    "I saw this thing on Discovery that humanity has stopped evolving."

    "That's...good?" Oh God, he could have sworn he just saw Michael's Hair do the hair equivalent of winking at him. Jeremy thought he might faint.

    "Evolution is survival of the fittest, right? But now, because of technology, you don't have to be strong to survive! Which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser! So own it. Why try to be cool when you could be--" At this point Jeremy had stopped listening again, instead focusing on the poster behind Michael's gorgeous hair.

    "Signing up for the school play!"

    "I was gonna say 'getting stoned in my basement,' but..."

    "No, I mean," Jeremy directed Michael's attention to the poster, "look who's signing up for the school play! Christine Canigula!"

    Michael looked almost disappointed, Jeremy looked at Christine. Something felt wrong about it, though. He looked back at Michael's Hair and realized what it was. Using Christine to hide his sexual feelings for Michael's Hair was wrong. He didn't want to hide it anymore. But what would Michael say if he knew Jeremy still felt that way about his Hair? Jeremy didn't say anything out loud but silently made a vow to ask out Michael's Hair before the end of the semester. He would make love to that Hair again.


	2. I Love Play Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dont know why im doing this

     Looking back on it, Jeremy didn't know why he thought this would help him fuck Michael's Hair.

     After making the decision to love that hair once more, he rushed over to the sign-up sheet for the play. He wrote his name down as quickly as possible, ignoring the homophobic insults from Rich. Jeremy has no fucking clue why he did this, though, because Michael did not sign up for the play. He literally BLEW OFF PLANS WITH MICHAEL FOR THIS. He felt like a moron. 

     But there Jeremy was, standing before Christine Canigula and internally cursing himself.

     "Umm..." Jeremy needed to break the silence. "Is this where you meet for the play?"

     "No," replied Christine, who was looking at him like he was an idiot, "this is where you meet for the swim team." Jeremy started freaking out. He knew it didn't sound right, but what if that WAS where the swim team started meetings? What if the location for the rehearsal had moved somewhere else and nobody told him? Was there even a play going on? Where was he? WHO WAS CHRISTINE CANIGULA??

      "I'm joking!" Jeremy felt even stupider. Of  _course_ she was joking. He needed to say something.

     "Uh, well--I'm JeReMy!" He did an awkward pointing motion towards himself with his thumb and leaned forward on one leg.  _FUCKING MORON!!!!!_ "I mean..."

     "Are you okay?"

     Jeremy made a noise that sounded something like: Hnhnnnhh?????? Think how teenage girls writing fanfic describe moaning, but waaaay more awkward.

     "You seem nervous." Christine looked concerned, which Jeremy understood. He was defo sweating a lot.

     "Um...no? I always," at this moment, Jeremy knew he fucked up, "sweat...this much."

     Christine looked as if she was coming to understand something. "I get it, you're a virgin!" Jeremy made a choking noise. "First play rehearsal!"

     "You think I'm nervous about play rehearsal?"

     "Yeah, why else would you be shaking?" She eyed him over. "Like, a lot?"

     Jeremy laughed awkwardly and said, "Yeahhh, totally freaked!"

     "It’s okay." She patted him on the arm. "I’m a little jealous actually. You never forget your first...play rehearsal!! Coming here is the highlight..."

     Jeremy, probably seeming far too desperate, cut her off very quickly. "Of your day?

    "Yeah, right. Of my life!!!!!" Here, Christine broke into song spontaneously in true theater-kid fashion.

    "I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL  
BECAUSE IT’S THE BEST  
BECAUSE IT IS FUN  
I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL  
AND I GET DEPRESSED  
AS SOON AS IT’S DONE  
BUT NOT DEPRESSED AS IN, LIKE, “KILL YOURSELF” DEPRESSED  
NO, I’M NOT INTO SELF HARM  
DUDE, I SWEAR, HERE, CHECK MY ARM  
SEE, I JUST USED THE WORD TO EMPHASIZE A POINT  
TO SHOW THE PASSION THAT I’VE GOT  
I AM PASSIONATE A LOT  
AND I HAVE MAD GIGANTIC FEELINGS  
RAD AND FRANTIC FEELINGS  
ABOUT MOST EVERYTHING  
LIKE GUN CONTROL, LIKE SPRING  
LIKE IF I’M LIVING UP TO ALL I’M MEANT TO BE  
I ALSO HAVE A TOUCH OF ADD  
WHERE WAS I?, OH, RIGHT  
I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL  
CUZ YOU ARE EQUIPPED  
WITH DIRECTIONS AND TEXT  
LIFE IS EASY IN REHEARSAL  
YOU FOLLOW A SCRIPT  
SO YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT  
ANYHOO, THE POINT THAT I’M GETTING TO IS  
SOMETIMES LIFE CAN’T WORK OUT IN THE WAY  
IT WORKS OUT IN THE PLAY  
LIKE THE ONLY TIME I GET TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION  
IS WHEN I’M JULIET OR BLANCHE DUBOIS AND CAN I MENTION

BE MORE CHILL – Iconis/Tracz Draft: 6/5/15

...that was really one of my best roles, did you see that? I was incredibly  
commanding, I think. It made me feel like there just aren’t strong roles for  
women in theater these days, particularly high school theater, do you find that?  
Because I totally find that—  
AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY  
IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO NARROW DOWN THE MANY REASONS WHY  
I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL  
I HAPPINESS CRY  
WHENEVER IT STARTS  
ITS JUST SO UNIVERSAL  
GETTING TO TRY  
PLAYING SO MANY PARTS  
MOST HUMANS DO ONE THING FOR ALL OF THEIR LIVES  
THE THOUGHT OF THAT GIVES ME HIVES  
I’VE GOT SO MANY INTERESTS I WANT TO PURSUE  
AND WHY MY TELLING THIS TO YOU?  
GUESS THERE’S A PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO¨  
     

     JEREMY perked up. "Really?"

     ¨There’s also a part of me that wants to do this. (CHRISTINE makes a crazy,  
goblin freak-out noise!) So I did it!"  
       
     JEREMY replied only with an "Uh..."

     CHRISTINE kept singing. ¨BACK TO PLAY REHEARSAL  
MY BRAIN IS LIKE BZZZZ  
MY HEART IS LIKE WOW  
BECAUSE WE’RE HERE AT PLAY REHEARSAL  
AND IT’S STARTING  
WE’RE STARTING  
IT’S STARTING  
SOON  
OOO"

     Nothing interesting happened at all after that, really. Mr. Reyes said they were doing a zombie version of  _“A Midsummer  
Night’s Dream"_ and Jake and Christine flirted, but Jeremy didn't really care. Plus, the author is lazy and wants to get to that Hair Action (imagine a tm sign here guys).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *smallville voice* someboDY SAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEE


	3. The SQUIP Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy talks to Rich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually never mentions Michael's Hair so I'm not upset w myself

     Because Jeremy is a total idiot, play rehearsal was a bust. He was so _fucking awkward_ the whole time that he felt even LESS normal than--well, normal. He was just glad that he could escape to the bathroom as soon as it ended. Well, that is until RIch walked in on him frantically trying to wash the “boyf” off his backpack.

     “Hey,” Jeremy heard from behind him. “I told you not to wash that off!” Jeremy ignored him and kept washing at his backpack. Trying to pretend he didn’t hear, he mumbled to himself.

     “Where is my homework?”

     “I am _TALKING_ to you, tall ass!” Rich smacked Jeremy’s head.

     “Why do you keep calling me that? I’m not even that tall!” Jeremy said, figuring the act would probably not work this time around. He saw Rich going for a urinal, and decided the best course of action would be to hide in a stall.

     “You could be if you weren’t hunched over all scared all the time. The only thing more pathetic is the way you’re sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.” Jeremy froze in the process of sneaking off to a stall to get away from him.

     “Stalls are for girls, Jeremy. Are you a girl?” Jeremy turned around to see RIch, still Fucking Peeing.

     “How can you talk to people while you’re... y’know…”

     Rich pretty much humped the urinal here. “Confidence.”

     “You might wanna watch the floor…”

     All of a sudden, Rich started twitching like crazy. His eyes rolled back into his head and he was muttering under his breath to himself. His hand was clamped around his neck.

     “Uh... I just remembered I don’t have to pee after all—”

     “DON’T MOVE.”

     Jeremy freezes. Slowly, Rich zips up his pants and turns to face Jeremy. He’s standing up, using the full of whatever height he has to make himself seem bigger.

     “You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?”

     “You didn’t go here freshman year--” Rich pounds the wall next to Jeremy’s head, making him jump.

     “YES I DID!” Jeremy could have sworn Rich didn’t have a lisp before… “You just didn’t notice. Nobody did!” Rich suddenly slapped himself and started speaking again, the lisp gone.

     “Freshman year, I was a huge fucking loser. I was disgusting, and all the girls at school could tell you that. Trying to flirt was a disaster, my dick and I were BOTH depressed. Until I got a SQUIP.”

     “You got quick?” Jeremy was very confused.

     “Not _quick,_  SQUIP.”

     “I’ve just never heard of it before…”

     “That’s the point. This is some top-secret-can’t-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit! It’s from Japan. It’s quantum nanotechnology packed inside a little gray pill. That supercomputer travels through your bloodstream before it implants itself in your brain and tells you what to do.”

     Yeah, Rich was totally punking him. “What? That’s not even possible--” Rich shoved Jeremy against a wall.

     “SHUT _UP_ , TALL ASS!” Rich took a moment, before letting Jeremy go. “Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it ‘cause my SQUIP said I had to. But now it’s saying you’re not such a bad guy. That you might want a SQUIP of your own. ‘Course, if you’re not interested…”

     “So it’s like…” Jeremy, ever the nerd, lowered his voice, “drugs?”

     Rich chuckled. “It’s better than drugs Jeremy. This is preprogrammed technology that will speak to you directly. It helps you learn how to be cool. Okay, picture this: Nobody cares when you’re late to school, even the _teachers_ love you, your weekends? Totally packed with the biggest fucking parties anybody in town is throwing.” Jeremy had to admit, that sounded pretty nice.

     “Right now, Jeremy? You’re helpless on your own. Your case is almost hopeless. In terms of the school’s social hierarchy, you are absolutely nothing. But! If you take my advice, and if you pay the appropriate fee, then you’ll go from sad to interesting to _hip_! Your whole fuckin’ life will turn around if you just buy a SQUIP.”

     Jeremy repeated to himself, “A squip.”

     “I got a hook-up, this guy works at Payless Shoes at the Menlo Park Mall. It’s six hundred.”

     Jeremy was shocked. “ _Dollars_?!”

     “It’s worth it! Bring the money on Monday, you’ll see.” Rich started making his way to the door.

     “Wait! Aren’t you gonna wash your hands?” Rich chuckled.

     “Oh man, you know what you need? A SQUIP.” Rich winked at him, and Jeremy felt just a little bit more queer.


	4. Two-Player Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GAAAAAAAYYYYY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has a bit that is,,,,,bad, but it is otherwise Not That Bad.

     “APOCALYPSE OF THE DAMNED!!!”

     “LEVEL NINE!!!”

     “THE CAFETORIUM!!!”

     Jeremy sat with Michael in his darkened bedroom playing video games. Michael kept his hood up, as per usual, and Jeremy wished he would just take it off so he could see that beautiful Hair. But, despite being slightly disappointed, Jeremy was still glad to have his best friend there to talk to about his chat with Rich. Jeremy went through the events of the rehearsal, up until RIch left the bathroom.

     “So, what do you think?” Michael’s face scrunched up, but Jeremy couldn’t tell if it was because of the game or his question.

     “He’s scamming you,” Michael responded, sounding very certain, “He’s scamming you super weirdly.”

     Jeremy knew he should trust Michael--years of being friends had taught him that, but he couldn’t help feeling hopeful.

     “What if he’s not? This could be huge! All I need to do is…” Jeremy started thinking more, ”give the guy who torments me…” Jeremy started seriously thinking about what Rich had said, “six...hundred…” Jeremy realized how fucking stupid he sounded. “Yeah, he’s totally scamming me. I’m doomed to be a loser ‘til the end of the world. No, probably then too.”

     “No way!” Jeremy got back to the game, but Michael timed out. “Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette! It’s just that I’m the only one that sees that right now. I know in high school, you’re a loser, but none of this matters! We’re a team!” Michael grabbed Jeremy’s shoulder and timed him out.

     “Jere, we both like the same out-of-print games, we have matching tattoos. We’re huge fucking nerds! Nobody in high school appreciates that, but  _ college _ ? Man, guys like us are cool in college!” Jeremy looked Michael in the eyes. He appreciated the reassurance, but he still had a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach.

     “High school is hell, but we’re getting through it okay! This is a two-player game, Jeremiah. We gotta do this together.”

     Jeremy sighed. “We’re losers, and I get that. As losers, we’ve fought together for years--both pixelated zombies and the popular kids at school. But, I feel like I’m stuck.” 

     “Just wait two years!! We’ll be in college and we will  _ finally _ be appreciated!”

     “But we’re not in college, Michael.” Michael grabbed his arm and shook him.

     “Jeremy, have you ever heard of this thing called ‘Looking Forward?’ I know high school is the worst, but I’ve got your back! It’s me and you.”

     Jeremy, feeling better yet still noticing that Thing in his stomach, grabbed Michael’s controller.

     “It’s me and ME now, buddy.”

     “Hey!” Michael tackled Jeremy to get his controller back, immediately timing back in as soon as he got it.

     “Hello?” Jeremy’s dad knocked on his door. Jeremy and Michael were too busy playing video games to notice.

     “Son?” Mr. Heere said, slightly louder and cracking the door open. Once again, Jeremy and Michael didn’t notice.

     “JEREMY?!” Jeremy nearly dropped his controller out of shock while Michael paused the game and fell to the ground like the Dramatic Gay he is. Jeremy turned to see his dad pantless, wearing fucking low-rise briefs.

     “DAD!! PANTS!!!”

     “Is that a girl? Are you in here with a girl?!” Michael shot up to look at Jeremy’s father. “Oh. Hi, Michael.”

     “Hey, Mr. Heere.” Michael flopped back down on his beanbag. His hood flew back a little bit, revealing his Hair ever so slightly. Jeremy nutted in his pants and felt super awkward. 

_      God,  _ he thought _ , why am I like this?? _ He turned back around and he immediately forgot about the Hair when he saw Way Too Much of his dad standing in front of him. He felt even grosser and turned back around to the TV.

     “I was gonna order a pizza,” Mr. Heere said, “If there’s something you boys want--”

     “Dad, did you get dressed today? Like, at all?”

     “Oh…” he sounded embarrassed. “Well, they didn’t need me at the office today, so I worked from home.

     “Most people wear pants at home.”

     “That’s why most people...aren’t your father.” Long, awkward silence. “Good talk.” With that, he left the room.

     “How’s he doing?” Jeremy turned to see Michael looking at him with concern.

     “How does it look?” Jeremy immediately felt bad. That came off a little meaner than he’d intended.

     “Have you heard from her?”

     “No. And who cares? It’s like, Mom moved on so why can’t he?!” There was silence for a moment.

     “Hey--”

     “I don’t want that to be my future, Michael!” Another long period of silence. “Hey, Rich said his hook-up is at Payless. What if we go there ourselves? Y’know, just to see if his story checks out?” Michael didn’t seem too thrilled with this idea.

     “And if it does? Will you be too cool for m--for video games?” He timed himself back in.

     “No way.” Jeremy paused the game. “Michael, you _ know _ you’re my favorite person. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t dream.”

      “Is that really true?” Michael suddenly draped himself over Jeremy, cuddling his face against him. “Am I youw favowite pewson??” Michael did the anime Nya hand thing and Jeremy shoved him away.

     “Of course you are, man. We’re  _ always _ gonna be a team. High school is shit, so you gotta help me conquer it.” Jeremy cringed internally because he did  _ not _ mean to rhyme there. “It’s a two-player game, Michael, and I am  _ always _ gonna be there for you.” Michael looked like he was gonna cry. He jumped back on Jeremy in a hug that knocked them both to the ground.

     “I’m so fucking glad we’re friends.”

     “Me too, buddy.” Jeremy patted Michael on the back. “Me too.”

     And so, the pair found themselves outside the Payless at the mall to buy a tiny Brain Robot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda surprising that there wasn't more Hair content, right??


	5. The SQUIP Enters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy buys a SQUIP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I didn't update for like 6 months. Now I'm posting 3 chapters today. Kill me.

     Jeremy and Michael are standing against the counter at the Payless next to a scary looking stock boy, who was ignoring them. Michael, likely growing tired of the silence, shoved Jeremy towards him.

     “I-I like your sideburns,” Jeremy said, desperate to end the silence. “Wolverine, right?” The stock boy looked at him.

     “Let’s see the money.”

     “What?”

     “The money for the SQUIP.” Jeremy was utterly confused, but that was normal.

     “How do you know why I’m here?” The stock boy, who Jeremy was calling Gordo in his brain, eyed him over.

     “Look at you, kid.” Jeremy scrambled to pull out the cash. “That’s four hundred?”

     “Four?”

     “Is that a problem?”

     “No! Actually, there’s a guy at my school charging--” Michael elbowed him, signaling for him to shut up. “Ouhuskj four hundred?? If you insist."

Jeremy forked over the money, already lowkey regretting this. Gordo reached behind the counter and pulled out a box.

     “Ladies running shoes?” Gordo opened the box and pulled out a ziplock baggie containing a small gray pill.

     “Just so we're clear: this is untested technology, and it's not exactly legal. Which is why you're paying for it with cash in the back of a shoe store. I take no responsibility for what you might do with it or what it might do with you.” He thrust the baggie into Jeremy’s hand.

     “What might it--”

     “To activate, take it with Mountain Dew. I don't know why, just something about Mountain Dew. And, this is important-- WE’RE SOLD OUT!” Jeremy turned and saw Jenna Rolan standing in the doorway of the store.

     “Of...shoes?” she said, looking confused.

     “Oh,” Gordo exhaled heavily, “you’re here for shoes. My bad.” He turned his head back towards Jeremy. “Scram kid.”

     “Wait! You were saying something important!”

     “Oh yeah! All sales final.” He walked off to Jenna, talking about the new pumps they got in or something.

* * *

     Jeremy and Michael were sitting in the food court, examining the pill in front of them.

     “I hope you’re worth four hundred dollars…”

     “Four hundred and one,” Michael corrected. “Don’t forget the Mountain Dew.”

     “If this is real,” Jeremy looked up at Michael, “my whole life could change. We should split it. You helped me get it! We should both benefit.”

     “I don’t think it works that way. Besides,” Michael reached over and patted Jeremy’s arm, “I like knowing that when you’re cool, you’ll owe me.”

     “All right.” Jeremy picked up the pill and uncapped his Mountain Dew. “Here goes...everything.” He put the pill on his tongue, took a swig of the Mountain Dew, and swallowed.

     “How does it taste?”

     “Minty.”

     “How do you feel?” Michael seemed expectant.

     “Like...a chump!”

     “Nothing?! At all?! Try to say something cool!”

     “I think I just blew my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen tic tac,” Jeremy huffed.

     “Yeah…” Michael nodded, “not cool.”

     “Just leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries forever,” Jeremy said, his head falling onto the table.

     “Five minutes.”

     “Where are you going?” Jeremy rolled his head to the side to look at Michael, who was already on his way out.

     “The guy in Spencer’s Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi! It’s like regular Pepsi _only clear_!!!!”

     “Wasn’t that discontinued in the 90s??” Jeremy asked, uncomfortable with the table smushing his face.

     “That’s what makes it so awesome!!! I’ll see you in fi--”

     “Wait.” Jeremy could not believe he was about to do this.

     “What is it?” Michael seemed a little surprised.

     “There’s something I need to tell you.”

     “What is it, buddy? You can tell me anything.” Jeremy stood up to face Michael

     “I...I--” Jeremy started shaking. More than he normally did in this kind of situation. He had a stabbing pain in his head that caused him to double over, screaming. He heard a voice.

_Target Male: inaccessible._

     “Jeremy?!” Michael dropped to his knees to see what was wrong. Jeremy noticed a crowd beginning to form around them.

_Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort._

     “MILD?!”

     “Jeremy, what’s wrong?” There were too many people all speaking at once, too many voices in his head. He heard Michael worrying, he heard that voice telling him all these things, he heard people from the crowd.

     “Dude, the freak’s freaking out!”

     "Shut up, dickweed!" He heard Michael yell.

_Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated._

     Jeremy sat up.

     “I’m fine! I’m fine, I just need to--”

_Discomfort level may increase._

     Jeremy stood up, feeling the worst pain he had ever felt in his life. He needed to get _away_. He ran as far as he could away from the crowd, holding his head. His body spasming like crazy.

_Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jeremy Heere, welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor._

     Suddenly, a young man appeared in front of Jeremy as the pain subsided.

_Your SQUIP._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that the SQUIP is here, expect more mentions of Michael's Hair.


	6. Be More Chill: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy gets a Coolness Lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy's thoughts at the SQUIP are gonna be in both bold and italics so fuckkkkkk me.

     “You look like Keanu Reeves.” Jeremy stood against the wall, shocked at the sight of the man before him.

_      My default setting _ , he replied.  _ You can also set me for, _ here he morphed before Jeremy’s eyes.

_      Sean Connery. _ He changed again.

_      Jack Nicholson _ .  He changed once more, but this time he looked like Hatsune Miku??

_Sexy anime female._ He held his hand up to his mouth and did an anime laugh like, “ahuhu!!”

     “Keanu’s fine,” Jeremy said as the SQUIP changed back to his default setting. “Can...can everyone see you??”

_      I exist only in your mind. All they see is you, having an animated conversation with yourself. _ Jeremy looked around and saw that he WAS, in fact, getting a few stares.  _ So don’t do that. Just think at me, like you’re telepathic. _

     Jeremy decided to try it.  **_Like in X-Men??_ **

_      I can see this is going to be difficult. You want to be more chill. _

**_You mean cool??_** Jeremy tried to keep his face neutral so people wouldn’t think he was crazy.

_      I do not. You see, human social activity is governed by rules and I have the processing capacity to understand those rules. And to pass them on to you.   _

**_Well,_ ** Jeremy felt SUPER awkward,  **_being cool isn’t the ONLY reason I got you._ **

_      We will talk about your...secondary goal after we leave the mall. I feel it would be inappropriate to bring up in our current setting, especially when there is work to be done on the prime objective. Now, take your hands out of your pockets. _

     Jeremy instantly obeyed.

_      Arch your back, puff out your chest. Your shoulder blades should be almost touching. _

**_This feels weird_ ** . Jeremy wasn’t used to standing up straight. He felt...vulnerable.

_      It’s going to take some time for you to get used to. For now, try adding some swagger to the way you walk. If you continue your current walking pattern, people will assume you’re a loser and a masturbator. _

**_But, I AM a masturbator._ **

_      We’ll fix that. _ Jeremy gulped.

_      Your nerdy qualities are not appealing. The stammering needs to be worked on. Your little ticks and fidgets are constant and obnoxious, and so far you have no apparent charm. But, with my help we can fix your vibe. And then fix some more. _

     Jeremy felt a shock go down his spine and immediately stood up straighter, though he didn’t realize he’d been slouching.

**_Did you just...shock me??_ **

_      Spinal stimulation, to correct your posture. Now go buy a new shirt. _

**_What??_ ** Jeremy looked down at his striped shirt and cardigan.  **_What’s wrong with my shirt?_ **

_      It’s better that you just do as you’re told. My job is to fix your aesthetic, so just obey and try not to ask questions. _

     Jeremy headed a nearby clothing store and started looking at shirts.

_      Pick that one _ . The SQUIP pointed to the shirt Jeremy had just passed over.

**_It has a picture of Eminem._ **

_      If you’re so astute, what do you need me for? _

**_Do people still listen to Eminem?_ ** Jeremy was fairly sure the answer was “no.”

_      Irrelevant. My quantum structure allows me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well. _

     Jeremy looked back at the shirt.  **_What if someone quizzes me about his music?_ **

_      My database is infinite and instantaneos.  _ Jeremy got an idea.

**_How are you with math homework?_ **

_      I’m a supercomputer, Jeremy. I’m made of math. Here, how about you try to pick a shirt? _

     Jeremy re-surveyed the rack in front of him and picked out a light blue shirt. Blue, his signature color. He looked back at the SQUIP feeling proud of himself. The SQUIP looked at him like he was an idiot.

_      That’s a girl’s shirt. _

     Jeremy sighed and turned to put it back, when he saw two people coming up to him. Brooke Lohst and Chloe Valentine, the two hottest girls at his school. And they were now standing right in front of him.

     “H-hey.” Jeremy said, before feeling another shock.

_      Posture. _

     Chloe looked at him strangely. “Jerry?”

     “Jeremy,” he corrected.

     “You shop here?” Chloe had some sort of look on her face, but Jeremy couldn’t tell if it was positive or negative. He took a stab.

     “OOOH yeah! All the ti--”

_      Never. _

     “NEVER! Is what I...meant.”

_      Greet the beta. _

**_The beta??_** **_Oh!!_**

     “Hey, Brooke.”

_      You look sexy. _

**_I CAN’T SAY THAT TO A HOT GIRL!! Ow!_ **

_      Don’t smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don’t care about your own death. _

     “Looking pretty sexy, Brooke.” Jeremy was trying maybe a little too hard, but Brooke seemed to like it.

     “Thanks.” She smiled at him. Jeremy had to fight the urge to smile back.

     “Is that a girl’s shirt?!” Chloe said, probably VERY upset the attention had turned away from her for more than a second.

     “N-”

_      Yes. _

     “Yes.”

_      Repeat after me: I saw it in the window and I couldn’t resist. I was dating a girl and she had a shirt just like this one. It still hurts be reminded of her. _

     Jeremy repeated, like he was told.

     “So,” said Chloe, looking intrigued, “who was this mystery girl.” Jeremy panicked.

     “Ohgbhdb you’ve probably never he--”

_      Madeline. _

     “Madeline.”

     “WHAT?!” Chloe looked furious.

     “Yeah. She’s French, you know.” The SQUIP looked kinda proud. Slightly, mind you, but proud.

     “SHE IS NOT FRENCH!! SHE JUST PRETENDS TO BE FOR  _ ATTENTION _ !!” Chloe was borderline making a scene. Actually, fuck that. She  _ was  _ making a scene.

     “Madeline broke up with you?” Brooke looked actually sorry for Jeremy.

     “Yeah…”

_      No. _

“I mean.”

_      She cheated, you dumped her. Tell them that. _

“I broke up with her!”

“Why??” the girls asked simultaneously. Brooke looked concerned. Chloe looked interested.

“Because,” Jeremy started to fake-cry pretty convincingly, “because she was cheating on me!” Another shock.

_      Hey, Hamlet: Be More Chill. _

Chloe turned to Brooke.

“What did I tell you?! Ugh, she is such a  _ slut!” _ Again with the slut shaming. 

“You’re so much better off without her, Jeremy.” Brooke put her hand on Jeremy’s arm.

“Obviously!! I mean, who does she think she  _ is _ ?!” Chloe launched into a rant about Madeline.

**_What just happened??_ **

_      A shared negative opinion is the fasted way to form a social bond. If you want someone to like you, hate who they hate. _

Jeremy nodded. This was going to be interesting.


End file.
